


The Land of Normal

by fl1pper_and_qw3rty (Loki_Likey_Thor_Odinson)



Category: Mr. Robot (TV)
Genre: Ableism, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Schizophrenia, Self-Doubt, Social Anxiety, self deprecation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-11
Updated: 2016-06-11
Packaged: 2018-07-14 09:53:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7166405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loki_Likey_Thor_Odinson/pseuds/fl1pper_and_qw3rty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>Ableism tag for Elliot using ableist language that Ollie uses in the show to describe himself. One very brief mention of able-bodied/able-minded ableism.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>....</p><p> </p><p>  <em>I can feel it building again. The pain inside, the despair. The self doubt. It's churning away, just beneath the surface, waiting for the right <strike>wrong</strike> time to spring up, to pull every single one of my fears back into the light. It feels like I can't breathe out of horrid anticipation, the guilt of feeling happy these past few weeks with Tyrell. </em></p>
            </blockquote>





	The Land of Normal

**Author's Note:**

  * For [droidfucker](https://archiveofourown.org/users/droidfucker/gifts).



_I can feel it building again. The pain inside, the despair. The self doubt. It's churning away, just beneath the surface, waiting for the right ~~wrong~~ time to spring up, to pull every single one of my fears back into the light. It feels like I can't breathe out of horrid anticipation, the guilt of feeling happy these past few weeks with Tyrell.   
  
He made the feelings go away for a while, better than you did - but why would you be much help? I created you in my worst moments, someone to talk to when lonely, someone to rant and vent to, someone who doesn't respond; you just silently watch me suffer.   
  
Tyrell doesn't do that; Tyrell helps me. He holds me through the night, he keeps the nightmares away. He strokes my hair and soothes me when I can't handle situations at home; he holds my hand when I can't handle the situations in public. I cling to his hand so hard, I think I might break his wrist with a mere squeeze.   
  
But that's what a relationship is, isn't it?   
  
Support, love, emotional stability.   
  
Emotional stability... That's something I haven't had in a long time.  
  
I need to walk Flipper - no, wait, did Tyrell say he was going to do that this morning?  
  
I don't remember; everything's foggy, like I'm trying to look through mud when I run the memory back.   
  
I should probably bring that up with my therapist. It can't be good that I'm repressing memories again.   
  
Did Tyrell and I fight this morning?  
  
No, no I don't think we did. I remember him kissing me goodbye before I left for work - I remember that clearly.   
  
Keys. I need my keys._  
  
Elliot pulled his keys from his pocket, pausing. He could here Flipper inside, yipping; a bird had probably flown past the window.   
  
No, he could hear cursing - Tyrell had more than likely dropped something on the floor - no, there was the clatter of metal on his hard floor and Flipper went silent.   
  
Dinner time.   
  
_I should turn around and run. Go to Angela's; Ollie's with that other woman, she'll be alone.  
_  
Elliot turned around, the fear curling around his stomach screaming at him to run and then he paused.   
  
"There you go Flip; Daddy should be home soon, pupper."  
  
Dejected, Elliot turned once more, pushing his key into the lock and pushing the door open.   
  
Almost instantly, a black ball shot towards him and Elliot gladly dropped to his knees to wrap his arms around Flipper.   
  
_She has meat on her breath. It's sort of gross but I like it when she greets me by choosing to wash my face with her tongue. It makes me feel warmer inside... She makes me feel safe.  
_  
The onslaught of kisses only lasted a few seconds and then Flipper twisted from Elliot's arms, jumping out of them before rushing back to her food bowl.   
  
"Bonsoir."  
  
Elliot stared at Qwerty, swimming around her small tank contently. His vocals cords felt too tight to work. He reached up with a shaking hand to push his hood down off his head.   
  
"It's been a bad day, hasn't it?"  
  
Elliot looked up at Tyrell, still kneeling on the floor. His legs suddenly felt like they were made of lead; they were too heavy to move.   
  
_Ever since Tyrell moved in with me, he's been able to do that. He knows just by my first actions whether it's been a good day or a bad day. Sometimes it's a **bad** day. He never cares.   
  
Well, he cares, of course, don't take my words out of context. I created you, you should know what I mean.   
  
He doesn't care what kind of day it's been, he's always there. Always there to order take out or make food. Always ready to leave if I need to be alone. Heck, he even slept on the damn couch one night because I couldn't stand being touched.   
  
He didn't want to roll against me during the night and cause an attack.   
  
He really cares.   
  
Heck, what did I do to deserve this guy?  
  
_ "Bad. Bad bad." _  
  
_ Elliot flinched at how strained his voice sounded, almost echoing around the room. He didn't want to move, he wanted to stay curled up on the floor, but he forced himself to stand and pull his keys from the door, pushing it shut. He threw his keys into the bowl by the door that Tyrell had insisted on.  _  
  
_ Tyrell said nothing. He merely observed Elliot as he walked across the room, sinking slowly into the seat next to Qwerty's tank.  _  
  
_ She was starting to get bigger. He'd have to get a larger tank for her. Maybe he'd splash out a little more than usual and get her a bigger one than she needed. It would be nice for her to have more swimming space.  _  
  
_ Elliot picked up the new, still sealed tub of fish food next to her tank.  _  
  
It's premium stuff. Tyrell must have bought some when he saw I ran out. I was gonna nip to the shop and buy some yesterday, but I couldn't face the people outside.   
  
He does that. Does the grocery run too when I'm too scared to leave.   
  
_ "Do you want to talk about it?" _  
  
_ Elliot watched the flakes of food float around the water, drifting on the small current created by Qwerty as she swam around and shook his head.  _  
  
_ His chest felt too tight, felt like his heart might pound out of his rib cage. He wasn't even sure if there was enough oxygen in his body to talk.  _  
  
_ "You want something to eat? I made pasta earlier, I can reheat some." _  
  
_ "Can't eat." _  
  
_ "Stomach ache? That's fine; I'll make you some honey tea. Or would you prefer lemon and honey?" _  
  
_ "Lemon." _  
  
_ Tyrell's bare feet padded across the hard floor towards the small kitchen that Elliot had.  _  
  
I prefer the bitterness of lemon; it's a nice contrast to the herbal tea and the sweetness of the honey. Something refreshing about the sourness, it's calming too. I suppose that's the honey. Or the tea. Or both.   
  
_ Elliot jumped when something brushed past his leg and looked down to see Flipper, having finished her dinner and now looking for some attention from her Daddy.  _  
  
_ He leant down to pick her up, settling her on his lap and watched as she sniffed at the fish tank.  _  
  
They'd probably get on well, given the chance. Protect each other; heck, Qwerty would probably figure out how to get Flipper's food for her if she were able to.   
  
Smart fish. Smart dog._   _  
  
_ Elliot wondered what Flipper might look like as a fish; if she'd look as elegant as Qwerty did, or if she'd be rougher around the edges. He ran his hand through Flipper's shaggy fur.  _  
  
I should probably find a groomer... Tyrell probably knows one.   
  
What would Qwerty look like as a dog?  
  
_ Elliot mused that she'd probably be a sleek, one of those stereotypical posh breeds. Or maybe she'd be a Pomeranian; all fluff and bark, protective but loving.  _  
  
_ "There's that smile I love so much." _  
  
_ Elliot hadn't been aware he was smiling until Tyrell informed him.  _  
  
_ Looking up, a little shell shocked, he carefully ushered Flipper off his lap to take the cup offered to him.  _  
  
I didn't even hear the kettle boil. I guess getting lost in your head is a thing people actually do.   
  
_ Elliot took a scalding sip of the tea, much too hot for anything to be tasted. He liked that.  _  
  
_ The little burst of pain on the tip of his tongue and on his lips; the burn of the liquid being swallowed, feeling it all the way down his oesophagus.  _  
  
_ It was a few seconds of welcome distraction.  _  
  
_ Setting the cup down on the side, he smiled weakly as Tyrell tutted and placed a coaster underneath it.  _  
  
_ Flipper jumped back onto his lap.  _  
  
I should reach out to him. Tell him the truth. Tell him I'm scared. Tell him everything my head is telling me.   
  
Would that be the smart thing to do?  
  
He probably knows it all by now; this was a recurring thing when we started dating.  
  
What was it, once every three days?  
  
You were there you should know the answer to that.  
  
_ "Do you want to talk now? Before you calm down and it has to come back up when you explain?" _  
  
_ "I want a shower." _  
  
_ "Do you want me to join you?" _  
  
_ "I want quiet." _  
  
_ Tyrell paused before he nodded, leaning forward to take Flipper from him. "I'll walk her. You go relax in the shower. I'll be back in about half an hour, alright?" _  
  
_ Elliot nodded silently and slowly stood up. Tyrell hesitated and Elliot blinked at him before leaning in to gently kiss him.  _  
  
_ Elliot immediately kissed back, feeling at home, feeling safe.   _  
  
_ Tyrell didn't let the kiss go on for too long, he didn't want to upset Elliot, to make the man more anxious than he already was.  _  
  
_ Elliot watched silently as Flipper started barking herself into a frenzy as Tyrell put his shoes on and walked towards her lead.  _  
  
_ He smiled as he watched them walk out the door, and he felt warm inside as Tyrell gave him a gentle smile before he shut the door.  _  
  
He's a good guy, Tyrell really is a good guy. I know his past is a little, well, shifty to say the least; but he's a good guy. He's deep, emotional. He cares.   
  
He deserves the world.   
  
So why has he settled for me?  
  
God; he doesn't deserve a burden like me.   
  
_ Warm water flushed over Elliot's skin and he jumped. Opening his eyes, he hissed in pain as water splashed into them, directly onto his eyeballs and he stepped back. Looking around, he was surprised to find himself in the shower and took a gentle breath before he stepped back under the spray.  _  
  
_ It was warm, inviting; like Tyrell's arms wrapped around him in bed.  _  
  
_ Reaching for the shampoo and conditioner combo he used, he shut his eyes tight and massaged his scalp.  _  
  
It's always quiet in here. The water washes everything away, all the fears and worries. I've spent four hours under the spray before; curled up in a ball, relaxing in the comfort and the warm. I prefer it to my bed - haven't I fallen asleep in the shower before?  
  
Come on, do you remember?   
  
I'm pretty sure I did. The water ran cold on me. It was an uncomfortable wake up call.   
  
_ He rinsed and reached for his sponge, lathering it up. He ran it carefully over his chest and arms, eyes staring at the bottom of the bath.  _  
  
_ He hadn't turned the lights on; in fact, he’d turned them all off. He liked it dark when he was in the shower.  _  
  
_ It was like a whole other world.  _  
  
_ He finished washing and rinsed carefully, making sure every single soap sud had left his body before he carefully sat down. He hugged his knees to his chest and rested his forehead on his knees, closing his eyes tightly.  _  
  
I can't tell if my eyes are opened or closed, it's so dark.   
  
It's comforting, like I'm the only person alive, the only person in the entire world.   
  
That would be nice.   
  
Nice.   
  
Wait, no, you're right it isn't nice at all. I'd miss Tyrell. I miss him now, and he's only walking Flipper around two blocks.   
  
I'd miss him too much.   
  
I'd miss Angela - not as much as Tyrell, but I'd miss her. She's like a sister to me in a way; she's always there, even if she doesn't understand.   
  
I want to be alone, that's true, but I don't want to be lonely.   
  
Lonely scares me.   
Lonely is bad._   _  
  
_ Light suddenly pierced through the darkness and Elliot's head shot upright, blinding himself in the sudden light change.  _  
  
_ He squeezed his eyes shut, rubbing at the closed lids before squinting at the figure in the door.  _  
  
_ "Light going on." _  
  
_ Elliot closed his eyes tightly, and he heard the distinctive click of the light pull. The fluorescent light flickered and then turned on, thrumming almost silently in the background.  _  
  
_ The water stream stopped and he looked up.  _  
  
_ Tyrell was holding a towel out, ready to wrap Elliot up in it. He smiled softly.  _  
  
_ Carefully, he got up, making sure not to slip in the bath. He walked into Tyrell's open arms and the towel wrapped around him.  _  
  
It's warm; he must have put it in the dryer for ten minutes. He probably did the same with my pyjamas; he does that. He likes me to be warm. He thinks it makes me happy.   
  
It's starting to.   
  
_ "Why can't I be normal?" _  
  
_ Elliot froze, his eyes widening against Tyrell's shoulder.  _  
  
That's wasn't what I wanted to say. I wanted to ask about dinner; if we could get that Indian take out down the street.  
  
What did I say that for?  
  
Why can't I just **control** myself?  
  
_ "I'm such a burden, and I'm hardly a normal person. You deserve so much better than this mess of a person. I can't even stand my own mind." _  
  
I like you. Don't be offended.   
  
_ "I can't stand it so how can you?"  
  
The words came tumbling out once he started; a word vomit that he had no hope of stopping if he even tried. _  
  
_ Silence filled the room and slowly Tyrell leaned back. He kept an arm around Elliot, leading him through to their shares bed where - sure enough - some pyjamas had been laid out on the bed. _  
  
One of Tyrell's too big shirts and a pair of boxers.   
  
_ Elliot dried and dressed.  _  
  
_ They were warm too.  _  
  
_ Still, Tyrell said nothing, and the silence was starting to grate on Elliot's nerves. He wanted to scream for an answer, he wanted to demand them, maybe even punch them out of Tyrell, but he shied away and crawled under the large duvet.  _  
  
It's too thick, but it's warm. The rug on top helps. Tyrell insists on at least some luxuries whilst he lives here.   
  
_ Tyrell sat on the edge of the bed, hand resting on the lump that was Elliot's hip.  _  
  
_ Elliot hid under the covers.  _  
  
_ "If you go to the land of normal, then no one will be there." _  
  
_ Elliot snorted.  _  
  
_ "I'm completely fucking mad." _  
  
Ollie said that about me once. I guess he was right.  
  
_ "Maybe so, but should I tell you a secret, El?" _  
  
_ Elliot's eyes peered out over the covers.  _  
  
_ "All the best people are completely bonkers. If everyone was normal, then the world would be boring." _  
  
_ An eyebrow arched and Tyrell smiled softly, rubbing circles into Elliot's hip through the duvet.  _  
  
_ "You're not 'completely fucking mad'. Whoever said such a thing?" _  
  
_ "Angela's boyfriend. He also says I'm a weirdo." Elliot paused. "And he's right."  
  
_There's that flash of barely controlled anger in his eyes. I have half a mind to let him hurt Ollie. It would serve the double crossing bastard right.  
  
_ "You are not. He's lying, Elliot. Listen to me. You are not a weirdo. Your mind just works differently to other people's. It's like... Some people's minds are programmed into an FM radio. Others are AM. Windows and Macintosh. Desktop and laptop. See where I'm getting at?" _  
  
_ Elliot blinked a little and shifted around, sitting so his back was pressed against the wall, watching Tyrell with curiosity.  _  
  
_ "So... Some people are just born with a different mind? It's tuned differently?" _  
  
_ "Exactly that. It doesn’t mean you’re weird for that."  
  
Some of Elliot's anxiety lifted and he sighed softly. "So... So I'm not a weirdo? I'm not off my head? I'm not mental?"  
  
"Not at all. You're you and I love the Elliot I know."  
  
_I'm smiling. How does he do that? He always know the right thing to say; every single time.  
_  
"I'm still a burden."  
  
Tyrell raised an eyebrow. "If you were a burden, do you think I'd be sitting here right now? Would I have been here at every moment for you when you needed me in the last seven months?"  
  
"You could be scared to let me go. Scared I might do something."  
  
"Elliot Alderson for Christ's sake, I love you. That's why I'm here. I am here because I love and care about you.  I care deeply... You're the best thing that ever happened to me."  
  
_He's... He's telling the truth.  
  
I can read people.   
  
I can see it in his face. He's telling the truth.   
  
He loves me.   
  
I'm touched. Is this being choked up?_  
  
"Love you."  
  
Elliot cringed at his half-arsed replied and waited for an explosion of sorts.   
  
Nothing came except Tyrell crawling up the bed to kiss him gently. His arms wrapped tightly around Tyrell's chest, holding him in place.   
  
_I feel... thirsty? Like I need to drink him up, I can't get enough of him. I don't want this to end.  
_  
But end it did, and Elliot couldn't help the little whine that left his lips as Tyrell pulls away. The taller man chuckled a little as he stepped away to strip down to his boxers.   
  
He disappeared, turning the lights of the apartment off before he was back quickly, sliding into the bed next to Elliot to wrap his arms around him.   
  
_I like it when he holds me against his chest like this. It's welcoming, warm. I feel like he cares.  
_  
Elliot shuffled around, rolling over to bury his face in Tyrell's shoulder, breathing the scent of him in.  
  
_Posh aftershave and dog.  
  
It’s nice.   
_  
There was a dip in the mattress and Elliot smiled against the skin of Tyrell's neck as Flipper pushed her way in between their stomachs, curling up with her head on Elliot's hip.   
  
_She can't be comfortable with her neck craned like that all night.  
  
Weird dog.  
  
I love her.   
_  
They lay there in silence, absorbing each other's body heat, drinking each other in.   
  
_I feel more secure... He took all the worries away. How does he do that every damn time?  
_  
Smiling a little, Elliot shifted to press his lips to Tyrell's before he yawned, settling back down.   
  
Warm against Tyrell, curled up in his arms, sleep came easy to Elliot for the first time that week.


End file.
